Ladies! Does anyone out there relate to me?!

I think that I have finally beat the negative thoughts in my head and then I catch a look at myself in the mirror and I want to cry because I feel like I look terrible. Everyone tells me that I look great but I just don't believe them. I hate myself for the way I look but I hate myself even more for the way that I obsess about the way that I look. Why do I care so much? I would give anything to be carefree. I envy the girls who don't pay attention to every single little pound. They look so happy, and have so many friends. For my entire life, all that I can remember is being on a diet. Missing countless activities and birthdays and events because I was at the gym, or I was afraid to go because it was a food related outing and I didn't want to have to eat something. Now I sit here all alone, looking back on all of the friendships that I lost because they thought that I just did not care about their birthdays or special events. I alienated myself from everybody that I was ever close to because I was afraid that they would judge me. Or I pushed them away because I opened up and they got scared away. I prevented myself from getting too close to anyone new because I was afraid that they would think that I was crazy. I have no friends. I have no best friend. All that I have ever wanted my entire life was a group of girlfriends but I push people away because I only have time to go to the gym. And lets face it, what woman wants to be friends with another woman who so clearly has an eating disorder? I feel like I can not relate to anyone because I have a constant battle with myself every day over calories consumed and calories burned. I always told myself that I would rather be alone but it was just a lie to myself. I look like I have it all together. My coworkers family and roommates and boyfriend think that I have it all together. But I really am falling completely apart inside. Now I just want to cry to someone but nobody in my life understands. Can anyone out there relate to my struggle??? Just one friend would make all the difference to me right now.
JuliaH's picture

Hi KittyKatt--I posted a response to your comment in another thread, but I'll write it here as well! I'm sure so many of us can relate to how you're feeling and have felt the same way at some point. I for one definitely used to have a lot of the same thoughts that you're having, and know how hard it can be to see yourself positively. For starters, I'd really recommend seeking help from a counselor or someone similar. It's so helpful to have someone to talk to. Also, something that helped me was recognizing that the eating disorder's voice was not my own voice. If I looked in the mirror and started to say mean things about my own body, I tried to imagine that it was the voice of someone else saying those things, and that I didn't have to listen to or agree with what that voice was saying. Try to find little things about yourself that you do love and focus on those as much as you can! - See more at:
megamoo90's picture

Wow! First of all, I am so sorry you've reached the point where you feel like you're all alone in this world. You are most certainly NOT alone!! No matter what you're going through or how lost you may feel, there is always someone in the world who understands your struggles. Secondly, can I just say I screamed with frustration when I read your post? It's so sad how many people are scared away from being friends with others because they're different! I've been in your shoes... Pushed away, left out, alienated because others seem to believe, which only causes you to believe that there's something "wrong" with you. Let me be among the first to tell you, you're not abnormal. You're fighting an illness that thousands more will fight in the coming year. And if for no other reason, you need to be strong and reach out to someone... Be it a close, trusted friend; a pastor at your church; a counselor.... Just reach out to someone and TELL THEM what you're going through. I know it's scary... You're afraid of being judged.. Worried they'll push you away or see you as weird. But trust me, finding that one person you can talk to in your hometown is probably the most important thing you can do for yourself. I never realized how important a "best friend" can be until I was fighting Anorexia and down in Florida by myself away from my family and everything I knew to be familiar as a junior in high school. I was in Florida for 6 months and every person I considered to be a friend lost contact with me... All but the one person I didn't consider a friend. She was there. She wrote me letters on a weekly basis updating me on life at home. She helped me find my place again when I returned to our high school and more than anything, she believed in me. I needed that belief so much and to this day, she is my truest best friend! I recovered and am now a successful college graduate working to help upcoming generations overcome hurdles like learning disorders and eating disorders.. among other things. So, let me leave you with this: Whenever you feel alone or lost in this world, take a minute before you go to bed that night, look up at the stars in the sky, and remember: You are NEVER alone! My thoughts are with you in this time of trial and difficulty. Best wishes as you continue in your fight!

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