Poetry Board

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Poetry Board

writing and poetry have helped me a lot in my recovery, so if any of you are writers too, feel free to share :) PLEASE be mindful of triggers

Saying "Screw" You to My Digestive System and My Eating Disorder

So I guess a little background, this is about my struggles with an eating disorder and my body reacting in a negative way to re-feeding. I mention symptoms/behaviors, but not in detail or the actual actions. It is pro-recovery, especially at the end.
As I sit on the porcelain throne, writhing in pain, I remember those hours when it made me feel like a queen, even though I had no power
but now that bowl is full of crap, literal crap
from my body saying "screw you" for everything I've done
for every meal that I skipped to feel beautiful and every hour spent laying on that icy floor after emptying my guilt into the white abyss
so that the piercing voice in my mind
would stop screaming and making my skin crimson red

I stop and ask my body if this is what it wants, if the throbbing in my stomach from a single meal
and the acid lava scorching my throat that won't stop burning and churning
until I erupt into that porcelain throne- the rotten ring that used to be my best friend
Is this a sign that I should return to listening to that awful voice in my head telling me no more than this number or your thighs will explode, spread like an ocean, an ocean you wish you could drown in because it is better to be dead than be yourself

I am trying so hard to fight, using every trick that I know even if I don't know if I'm ready, slaving hours in treatment, to try and suppress that tyrannical voice
Because deep down I know what it's trying to do
erase me from this beautiful masterpiece that is my life
yeah that's right, I said it B E A U T Y. Life is Beauty. Society is a LIE.
"Screw" you society. I am not done painting. I will not put down the brush by giving into my body
the body that is no longer mine
because of that voice that you empowered, through images and artificial realities, to take over the shell of my being, as well as my mind, to urge me to stay empty or else...

Well guess what body?
I can take all your pain and your crap, and your literal crap, too
because I have been where you and that wretched voice want me to be
and I am never EVER going back!

Thank you for sharing this!

Thank you for sharing your writing here! This is great and has an empowering message. :) I hope others will share their work here, too. In case you're interested, here are some other posts related to poetry from around the Proud2Bme site:

http://proud2bme.org/content/poetry-invisible-battle

http://proud2bme.org/content/national-poetry-day-reflections-i-have-always-eaten-bread

http://proud2bme.org/content/taking-space-interview-beck-cooper

http://proud2bme.org/content/watch-mirror-mirror

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