Plunging Deep

I'm 13. I've been in recovery for a while. Today, I looked in the mirror and was disgusted. I thought I was good now, but over break I've started lying to my parents and skipping meals. I don't want a repeat of last year, but I plunged back down to where I was months ago, and so has my sister. When I try to help her, I mess up, because we're struggling with the same things, and I'm not ready to take scissors from her, because then I slip up. I really want to get better, but I feel like I am starting over. Everyone at school sees me as the girl who has everything together. I always need to be perfect, no failures, no weaknesses. That's what started this in the first place. Everyone tells me that I'm beautiful, but when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I didn't know that recovery would be so hard. One of my friends, has developed an eating disorder, and I don't know what to do for her. She's not diagnosed or in treatment, her parents don't know. I can't tell my sister to have something extra to eat/drink, without breaking down later. I try to be perfect, "conceal don't feel," is basically my motto. I get alone, and then I let all my pain come out by crying and doing terrible things to myself. In treatment I've learned so many things, but I seem to be slipping back down to where I was, this time last year. I just want someone who doesn't judge me. I go back to school tomorrow and I just have so much anxiety, suppressed underneath "perfect mask." Please someone help me.

admin's picture

Hi Amanda, 

Thank you for sharing your story with our community. You are very strong for reaching out for help and support. 

For information and resources, we encourage you to reach out to the NEDA Helpline at 800-931-2237. 

Again, thank you for sharing your story and concerns with us. Please remember that asking for help takes a lot of courage. 

lucyta's picture

Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help when we most need it. I can relate to your story about being the perfect girl at school who everyone thinks that she has it all. You do not need to wear a mask to hide your pain or imperfections. We are all humans and we all have imperfections. You are so young and you have a bright future ahead you once you get better. I am sorry that your sister and your friend are struggling too, and I can also relate to that. However, You have to first help yourself in order to help others, and you can't blame yourself because of others' suffering. I understand you love them and by not knowing how to help them can create frustration, anxiety and depression, and I am pretty sure they feel the same way for not being a good influence for each other. When you say that you have been in treatment, do you mean impatient treatment? The road of recovery it is definitely not easy at all. It brings a lot of challenges that we must face and confromt them, and you are a very strong, compassionate and resilient young lady who in her struggles think of others. Recovery is possible but you can't do this alone, and the true is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Amanda Elizabeth's picture

This is Amanda! I went back to treatment, but now I'm back at home!

kelsey207's picture

Thank you for posting here! We're glad to have an update on how you're doing. It's great that you went into treatment. I hope things are going well with you and that you're in a good place. Let us know if there's anything we can do to support you. We're here for you. Remember that recovery is possible! :)

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