Just another ghost

I'm an 18-year-old senior in high school, I'm fat as bleep and hate my body. I was raised by a single mom because her male counterpart was a deadbeat sperm donor who had some sort of relationship with all my other siblings (my 2 older brothers, my younger half brother, and my younger sister) , but couldn't give a rat's butt to give more than a half butt attempt at a relationship with me and I believe now, which I didn't realize before that that's probably why I am the way I am. I'm rude, mean, hurtful, aggressive, closed off, detected, but that's just my cover. AT night's when I'm alone in my room a cry and cry and cry because contray to what everyone in my life believes I'm not as tough as I pretend to be and you would think they could see through it, but they don't, so clearly none of them really know me, or quite frankly they probably just don't flippin' care, either way it sucks. Old friends that I had and called sister basically dropped me when my mom forced me into cyber school because I acted out in middle school, got into some fights. But, why wouldn't I that stupid sperm donor thought he was going to come out of jail for the last time and come into our lives and act like he had been there the whole time, bossing us around and telling us what to do and what not to do, like no. That's when I got my first and last "boyfriend" we weren't really dating, we never went out, just hungout on his block, pecked lips, hugged, held hands, and talked all the time. So, it was more like really really close friends. But, now I don't know it's hard when I first started the cyber school I got really depressed and there have been moments since that I thought I was over it all and that I was depressed anymore, but then little things like my mom not wanting to go to this stupid financial aid night come up and I get to the point that I'm about to cry and punch a wall at the same time. That's when I realize that I've been lying to myself and that I hate myself. Which is hard and all this is probably why I have an eating problem and I can't lose weight. Or maybe I was put on this Earth to be a fat, depressed, waste of space, the ultimate punishment for something I did in a past life maybe, if you believe in that type of thing. Which, brings me to another thing I can never desicively say what I believe because I never know what to believe.

redfoxgal's picture

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all that. No-one should, and you are incredibly brave for doing so. You seem very independent, and strong. Everyone has times when they are more vulnerable than others, but personally, I admire your strength. I think that you're probably a little hard on yourself, as if you were really as aggressive and large as you seem to think you are. If you were really that bad, then I wouldn't think that you would have ANY friends or boyfriend. But people DO love you, and really I think that the first step to feeling better about food is learning to love yourself. Who cares what other people think? I am a little larger now myself, and learning to love it. It feels so freeing. If you are 18, then you have college or life post highschool to look forward to, you are now a legal adult, and barely have to do ANYTHING that people tell you to. I hope that things go better

SomeGirl18's picture

I know that I need to love myself, but I just don't know how to or even where to start. I just get overwhelmed with everything and it gets just super hard to keep positive. I plan on going to college, but I'm not sure what I'll do when I get there because I have always dreamed of being a singer/songwriter/actress. Which no one knows how badly I want it because I've always been afraid it would be taken from me. So, I decided to make my family happy and chose nursing, which would be very rewarding field and would allow me to help me family financially. My heart isn't completely into it, music just means so much to me and this is adding to everything because I just keep thinking why can't I just be confident in myself and my voice enough to stand up for myself and tell them that singing is what I want to do. So, although it was kind of you to say all those things I don't know if I believe it. I'm not strong or independent. I can't even fix things that I know are problems and what needs to be done to fix them.

kelsey207's picture

Learning to love yourself can be very hard. There are a lot of great articles here on Proud2Bme that discuss self-love and self-care. Maybe some of these will help you get started:








The transition to college is always a challenge, especially if the path you have in mind is different from what you think your family will want. However, the great thing about college is that it's an opportunity to be involved in lots of different things! Does your school have opportunities for you to get involved in music or theatre even if you aren't majoring in the arts? Maybe you can get involved and have some great experiences that way, and that will help your family see how passionate you are about it and how much it means to you. There are lots of opportunities ahead of you, which means lots of chances to make changes in your life.

You can always post here if you need a listening ear! Some other great resources are the NEDA Helpline (you can call or click-to-chat, info here: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline) and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org; it's not just there for if you're feeling like you might hurt yourself, they're always there to talk if you need someone.)


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