It's Heather. Like the flower.

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cmaddie
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Hi Heather, Thanks for
Hi Heather, Thanks for posting. Welcome! I first started experimenting with dieting and skipping meals in 7th or 8th grade too. And that turned into years of disordered eating until I finally got help. I had a lot of insecurities and much deeper issues. My obsession with food and weight became a coping mechanism--a really unhealthy and dangerous one. There are SO many people who might not be full-on anorexic or bulimic but their thoughts and behaviors are making it hard to enjoy life. Don't worry about not fitting into a category or a specific eating disorders diagnosis. If you're unhappy, that's enough to know it's a problem. There are lots of members on here who can relate to what you're going through and I'm sure you'll get lots of advice. Have you talked to any of your friends or your family about what's going on with you? xoxo
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
Yes, I have. My friends know
Yes, I have. My friends know more about it than my family, since my family only understands to a point. I'm more comfortable discussing it with my friends, anyway, since my family takes things out of proportion a lot. Lately however, I don't feel comfortable talking about it with friends sometimes. Because now it's like my friends think differently about it, or well, one or two of them. I know my friends all want me to get help, but I just feel like I don't need it. Actually, no, let me rephrase that, it's more along the lines of I think I can deal with this myself. I've just been struggling here and there. Plus, I doubt my family could afford it, we're struggling as it is. However, at the same time, I think it'd help me out. At the moment though, I'm a girl who thinks she weighs far too much. I'd feel so ashamed to even mention it here. I've gone meals without eating anything, and then I crash and burn. It isn't very fun. This whole problem really makes me unhappy, all the time, and I've just taken to sleeping away all the negative feelings in my life. I used to video game, because it was a "distraction" of sorts, and my friends on there would keep me from falling back into the parts of my head that whispered to me day and night to just skip another meal. However, with more advanced classes this year, a new relationship (which I am so thankful for, he treats me so well, and has helped me extremely with my low self esteem. Nothing completely noticeable to others, but to me, it is), and friendships/socializing, I've had no time to do that, thus I have fell back into the hands of the disordered thinking and eating patterns. Because before I was video gaming, I was using the disordered patterns to cope with all my problems. So.
Molly
Molly's picture
Hi Heather, Thanks for your
Hi Heather, Thanks for your post and welcome to Proud2bme! I'm glad you have reached out for support here. I wanted to let you know that I can relate to you a lot. I struggled with disordered eating for a long time but never fit into a specific category/diagnosis. I felt like I didn't deserve help and shouldn't ask for it. Finally a friend encouraged me to seek treatment. For me, getting treatment early on made all the difference. Regardless of how "serious" you feel your struggles are, you deserve to ask for and receive help and support. Any disordered eating patterns or behaviors are a legitimate cause for concern. Thanks again for reaching out! I hope you can find comfort and support here. If you ever need help locating treatment resources, call the National Eating Disorder Helpline at 1-800-931-2237. Stay strong! -Molly
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
I'm glad there are people
I'm glad there are people that can relate to me, Molly, including you. It will only make this journey of mine a little bit easier. So thank you. I feel that getting better is a very good idea, since I'm tired of hating myself, and hating my body. Although, the idea of getting help professionally is a large problem, in a way. You see, my parents, they don't understand the concept - or why I hate myself/my body and have low self esteem. Before, when we've had large fights, I tried explaining that inside my head, I compare myself to everyone and everything, and they just told me to well, stop. When I tried to explain that I just can't stop, that this has been going on for several years, it's like they think I'm making it up. They don't understand that it isn't as easy as they are trying to make it. In their minds, it's not a problem at all, it's basically just called being an insecure teenager. Also, whenever the topic comes up, they automatically blame my friends, and threaten to send me to another school, when really, taking me away from my friends would only harm me, because they are always there for me and will always be there to support me. Also, switching schools really wouldn't solve anything. Still girls and other people for me to compare myself to. So, I give myself "mini projects". Currently, I have purchased some butterfly stickers (there are 16), since I love butterflies, and they are my symbol of "hope" and "to get better". So, from today on, every day that I don't struggle to eat, or skip a meal, or have any "disordered eating habits", I will put a butterfly sticker in my diary, and discuss how the day went in my diary. The days don't have to be consecutive, since it's very easy to make mistakes so early on in this "semi recovery" stage, just I'm going to strive to have as many consecutive "butterfly days" as possible. As long as I can get 16 down, I will have succeed my project, and hopefully this will help me a step further into realizing that I don't need these habits to make myself happy, or anything like that. Some days are harder than others, and I understand that I'm human, and that I will make mistakes, so it's OKAY if I don't get 16 days in a row. As long as I can get all 16, I'll be happy.
Molly
Molly's picture
Wow, Heather. I really admire
Wow, Heather. I really admire that you've taken it upon yourself to work on this despite the lack of support from your family. It can so difficult when people don't understand and brush it off as if it is not a problem. I am glad you realize that it will be challenging and recovery won't be a straight line. It seems like you have a good strategy for holding yourself accountable but you also understand that you are human and this is an incredibly difficult process. Keep up the great work and remember that we are here to support you!
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
Thank you, Molly. It isn't a
Thank you, Molly. It isn't a "lack of support", really. I think it's just that they simply don't understand. If the understood how my head worked, and how I felt deep down, they more than likely would be more "supportive". However, my parents are stubborn, and are hard to deal with, so I more than should avoid the subject of food and eating with them, as well as my low self esteem issues. They are both loving parents, and I know they want the best for me, and I understand that they don't believe low self esteem is really the best for me, when it all honesty, it isn't. However, I can't help the way I feel about myself, and that is that. It's been almost a year now (or heck, maybe even a little bit over, I can't exactly recall), that I've been affected my "disordered eating habits", and they've just left me feeling rather unpleasant. I'm tired of that feeling, to be quite honest. I wanted to do something about it. This whole deal, it just leaves me tired and upset most of the time, and I just want to be happy, not sad anymore. I don't want something like this, such as low self esteem and problems with eating, to bring me down, when I can fix it with a little hard work and support from others. Thank you, the project has been going well, even if I've made a few mistakes already, but that's okay, remember? :) And will do. I'm glad I'm here with you guys. I'm hoping the site grows rapidly as well, so I can meet more of y'all! Stay strong guys.
Molly
Molly's picture
Again I admire your insight.
Again I admire your insight. It is definitely true that parents often want the best for us but just don't understand, particularly when it comes to struggles with disordered eating. Glad to hear your project is going well and that you're making progress :) There will be many hard days ahead, but it will get easier with time.
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
It's still been hard, and
It's still been hard, and I've yet to have obtained half of my butterflies. It's nothing to be ashamed about, however, it just bothers me sometimes, from how one minute I'm "I want to get better!" and then the next, "I just want to go running back to all my disorder habits". Today, we had to weigh ourselves, and I told myself, "It's okay, you can do this". However, I thought that the teachers were going to weigh us. Instead however, they let us pair up (with partners we got to choose) and made us do it ourselves. I don't know why they suggested this, but whatever the reason, it completely ruined my plans - to not see my weight at all costs. Since they left the rooms before I could get to one of them to explain, I had to suck it up and just do it. My partner - a friend of mine, she doesn't know about the eating disordered habits, however - didn't look at the scale, although she offered to when I just went "Great, I'm disobeying doctor's orders. I'm not supposed to look at my weight on my own." (It's really not doctor's orders. It just sounds better than "Oh, I don't want to look at my weight. I am such a liar. I haven't even discussed weight or anything of the sort with my doctor before. Sigh. Liar, liar, liar.), so I wouldn't have to, but we weren't super super best friends, and I didn't want her seeing my weight, since I KNEW I had gained, due to the simple fact that I have been sneaking onto the scale at my friend's house every week. (I hate this, I hate it so much, I feel so dependent on it.) It didn't bother me as much as it did last time, however, I know that the next time I get down, that number is going to come back and pick at me, and I just, I hate it. We had to write down the number as well, for recording/grade purposes, and I lied. I said I was less than what it showed on the scale, because I felt embarassed that I had gained weight, when the teachers told me I needed to do the office. I can't wait to just get home and write, and get rid of all these emotions. Thanks for listening, guys.
misslbooker
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Hi Heather, I am one of the
Hi Heather, I am one of the moderators Lauren. You may not have received all your butterflies but you are a butterfly, it is in you to change. You hold the power, I just struggled with disordered eating in my adolescene and I am a strong healthy young woman today. I am fit not thin, I am healthy not starving. Just some words i saw that inspired me this morning. Love Yourself Fiercely and Unconditionally You determine your own value. Nurture yourself, respect yourself, and cultivate self-love. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t second-guess yourself. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t self-sabotage your own success. Don’t make yourself small. Use your voice. Best of luck in recover Love and Light Laur
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
Thank you, Lauren. I guess
Thank you, Lauren. I guess it's just been so difficult, lately. I've found myself engaging in disordered eating behaviors at school lately, more out of habit rather than force - and it scares me. My friends have been noticing as well. I'm wondering if this is a good or a bad thing, after all. I know I don't need this to make me happy completely, but at the same time, I feel as if I need it to help the happiness process. I'm just hoping this all goes away. Today however, I stood in front of a mirror while I changed, and I liked the way I looked. I'm not sure if this is my mind tricking me, or if it's just my body acceptance.
Molly
Molly's picture
Hi Heather, I'm sorry to
Hi Heather, I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time in gym class the other day. It really sucks to get stuck in a situation where you are confronted with numbers when you are trying so hard to stay away from them. It sounds like you handled the situation well despite the limited control you had over it. You should be proud of yourself :) I am also glad to hear that you recently had a positive experience with your body! It is natural for this to feel strange at first. I encourage you to embrace those moments though. You deserve to love and respect yourself both inside and out!
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
Things are always going to be
Things are always going to be sketchy at first - I'm going to have my good days, and I'm going to have my bad days as well. I'm currently on the edge of finishing up this story I've been writing about my struggles with self esteem and such, and my dad says it has the potential to be published, so I'm going to try my luck when I finish. It's a dream of mine to try to get published - it'd be a miracle to BE published. I also experienced some encounters with my "project" I wanted to do, and have decided to switch it from "eating disorder awareness" to "you're fine just the way you are". I'll bring some more details soon. :)
Molly
Molly's picture
Heather, that sounds so cool!
Heather, that sounds so cool! I can't wait to hear more about it!
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
I'm calling it "Think Bright,
I'm calling it "Think Bright, Think Beautiful!". The project is supposed to help the community, as well as be something we would like to continue on after high school, possibly. What I want to do is visit 5th grade classrooms, and separate the boys and girls, and talk to the girls privately for 45 minutes or so every week for x amount of weeks. I'm aware boys also can develop low self esteem and eating disorders, but I personally do not know how society or the media affects boys as a whole, as well as the simple fact I feel they would listen to a boy over a girl, anyway. (However, I'm thinking about making this a joint project, and getting a close guy friend that may be interested in the topic to do the same thing, but for the boys, not sure yet however) However, the whole thing is going to teach those young girls that they can do and be anything they want to be. The goal will be to encourage them to be independent, confident young women in the future. The reason I'm starting in 5th grade is because I feel if they have that solid foundation before getting to middle school, they will be a little bit stronger to fight against any mean comments that come their way. It's right in the middle, too, so. One activity I want to do with the girl is something similar to a campaign promoted by Seventeen magazine, and near the end of my session with the girls, we all take a picture together, although, we will be painting a heart on a body part they love about themselves/will learn to love, and that will be first success' photo. c:
Molly
Molly's picture
Wow, Heather! That really is
Wow, Heather! That really is amazing! I'm sure you will make a difference for a lot of people.
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
Thank you, Molly. Lately,
Thank you, Molly. Lately, I've been struggling. And when I struggle, I throw myself into my work: and this is included in my work. I really just want to make an accomplishment for once - one that won't make a negative influence on either myself or the people around me.
Molly
Molly's picture
I think that's great that you
I think that's great that you are trying to make something good out of your struggles. That can be pretty tough to do and it shows a lot of strength.
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
Everything around me is
Everything around me is fueling me. My poor grades (in math/physics), a currently broken friendship, my unsure-ness of my boyfriend, my friend still having a crush on my boyfriend. So far, I've created an email (thinkbrightthinkbeautiful@yahoo.com), and a Tumblr. (http://thinkbrightthinkbeautiful.tumblr.com/) Send me an email if you have any ideas for the program/commentary on the website! I currently am in love with these color choices, and I think I've gotten a grasp on a logo. (which will be provided on the Tumblr soon enough) I'm having fun with this, already creating a few "projects" for the girls. I've got three years to establish this into my liking, and I'm going to do it right - I don't want this to be a failed cause. I'm going to do my research and my time, and I'm going to put forth my all. This WILL be great. I will touch at least ONE girl, that's all I want. I want her to realize she's beautiful, just the way she is.
misslbooker
misslbooker's picture
Good morning, I am Lauren ,
Good morning, I am Lauren , one of the moderators. Heather like the flower. A flower you are. Like a flower you need food and water to grow into a more beautiful you. I truly can empthaize with what you are feeling, and yes even how you are handling it. I have been there. Not a roll in my mouth, but a protein shake! You are strong, b/c it took strength to post this and ask for help.
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
Why, hello Lauren. :) Why
Why, hello Lauren. :) Why thank you. As you can see from the comments previous to this, I'm trying to take this entire experience and spin it into something greater. You see, when I was younger, I never really had that "positive self esteem" influence (besides my parents, but I was convinced they were just lying to me to make me feel better). With this project however, younger girls (and any other girls who might participate!) will get that foundation that I personally never experienced - but needed. I'm hoping that with this little extra boost, those girls can go to middle school (and high school and even college, as well) and take any hit yet still keep getting up, no matter what. I'm also hoping this will leave a mark on girls to stop all the bullying and body snarking - to just accept everyone for who they simply are, beautiful and all. I want to show this next generation that we need something like this. We don't need to be at each other's throats, creating us into girls that hate what we see in the mirror. To show them that we are beautiful and capable of anything we set our minds to, and that we should use that to the best of our abilities to make the world a better place.
Naveseay
Naveseay's picture
Why, hello Lauren. :) Why
Why, hello Lauren. :) Why thank you. As you can see from the comments previous to this, I'm trying to take this entire experience and spin it into something greater. You see, when I was younger, I never really had that "positive self esteem" influence (besides my parents, but I was convinced they were just lying to me to make me feel better). With this project however, younger girls (and any other girls who might participate!) will get that foundation that I personally never experienced - but needed. I'm hoping that with this little extra boost, those girls can go to middle school (and high school and even college, as well) and take any hit yet still keep getting up, no matter what. I'm also hoping this will leave a mark on girls to stop all the bullying and body snarking - to just accept everyone for who they simply are, beautiful and all. I want to show this next generation that we need something like this. We don't need to be at each other's throats, creating us into girls that hate what we see in the mirror. To show them that we are beautiful and capable of anything we set our minds to, and that we should use that to the best of our abilities to make the world a better place.