Hi I'm Gray!

Hi I'm Gray and a rising freshman. My story starts (sadly it hasn't ended) in the fall when my cross country and soccer season stopped. I had been running everyday, playing soccer three times a week and maintaining a healthy weight just like normal. During XC we all ran with our sports bras and spandex. In the past I had felt proud with my muscular legs and body, but next to those stick thin runner girls something clicked. I felt the need to be like them, that if I had that, I'd be perfect. Anyway falling into bad habits. My grandma picked up on my changes, but she smiled and told me how thin I was and how I needed to model. This reassured me I was doing the right thing. I kept on restricting and saying I was full. My mom noticed quickly and took me to the doctor to get my weight. (We've never had a scale at home) I was at my lowest point. My mother screamed at me about how I wasn't allowed to play soccer anymore and how I had failed her. She wondered what she did wrong and kept on telling me I had everything in my life I needed and why I felt I didn't. She didn't understand she had done everything she could to make my life great and it was me who was messed up. She didn't understand why I was doing this to myself and I didn't either. After a few days we made up and I promised to trust her and I did for a week and a half. After that I went back to my old ways when I felt I had gained weight. I have two full body mirrors in my room (covered with blankets right now) that I would stare at my body multiple times a day. Since we didn't have a scale, that was the only way I could make sure I wasn't gaining any weight. I would pinch my stomach and suck in thinking, "I want to look like this." My mom had been watching me like a hawk and one day after soccer she took me into the doctors office again. I was pretty positive I had maintained my weight. After stepping on the scale (backwards) and looking at my moms face, my heart stopped. She yanked me off of the scale and we drove home in silence. "I'm done." Is what she said. After she stormed out of the car I sat there sobbing and yelling at myself. Why did I do this again? Why why why?!?! My angel mother came back into the car and I spilled my heart out to her. Now I'm going to a therapist once a week and trying to follow and trust her again, but it's so hard. I hate gaining weight still and I don't know why. Like today for example I ate a normal breakfast and ate what my mom gave me. But other days I don't want to eat anything she gives me." I don't want to gain weight, I like my weight now." Is what my mind tells me on those days. I want to be strong and happy, but for some reason I think if I eat it won't help and I'll just look fat. When I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror I'm undecided. I feel like I'm too skinny, but there's a voice saying I'm fat if I turn this way or that. I just found this website and I'm so excited to read all the motivational stories.

kmk5848's picture

Hi Gray! I'm glad you posted to the forum! It sounds like misunderstandings about struggle you are facing is frustrating!  I am sorry you are having a hard time and hope that you can find more support on the forums.  Just so you know, your post was slightly edited to avoid any possible triggers.  Please check the guidelines if you need help looking over your next post! Otherwise, keep posting and best of luck.


kelsey207's picture

Welcome to Proud2Bme! We're so happy you're posting here. I think a lot of people on this site can relate to some of what you're going through. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, and about the tension the ED has caused in your family. Please know that this is not your fault; nobody asks to have an ED. You might recommend the NEDA Parent Toolkit to your mom (and you can check it out, too! It has lots of good information): http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/parent-toolkit . EDs are so complicated and can be hard for people to understand if they aren't experiencing them firsthand. 

It's so great that you've found this site. There are so many great stories on here. Some other great motivational resources are NEDA's Stories of Hope (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/stories-of-hope) and this self-care "master post": https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/self-care-master-post . I also love the Proud2Bme Instagram feed! They post all kinds of great motivational messages and links to interesting pages and articles: https://www.instagram.com/proud2bmeus/ .

It sounds like you're making some great steps by seeing a therapist. Talking with a professional can be so helpful. If you want to find out more about other resources (ED specalists, nutritionists, support groups), you can call or chat online with the NEDA Helpline: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline . 

You can do this! Recovery is possible. The ED voice can be really strong, but you are stronger! You deserve to be happy and healthy, and we're here to support you! Please keep posting to keep us updated on how you're doing. We're always here to listen! :)



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