worse to better and now back to worse

I thought I was getting better. I started eating more and my stomach started to get bigger and my thighs started to get bigger. For the first 2 days I wasn't upset by this fat growth but now I am upset. I realized that me eating as much as I am is only going to last for 4 days at most. I thought that maybe I was getting better and the ed voice in my head was going away but I was wrong. I did stuff to myself last night and now here I am, sitting in the dark crying, writing this about how I hate my body while drinking a laxative drink hoping it will help me lose weight. I looked at myself in my full length mirror and realized how fat I am. I took photos of my thighs and my stomach and sent it to my friends and showed them goal size. I told them to tell me to stop eating at school if i try to eat anything. They said they would not do that. I do not understand why people won't help me lose weight. This is what I need to be pretty and to be liked.

kelsey207's picture

It sounds like things have been a rollercoaster lately! It can be really hard to love yourself and accept yourself when society puts certain ideals of beauty on a pedestal. However, there isn't just one body type that is beautiful. And beauty isn't only based on appearance. You have friends and family who care about you for more than just how you look. In fact, I think your friends are refusing to stop you from eating because they care about you and are concerned about your well-being. Have you put more thought into seeing an ED professional? You might consider looking for a nutritionist or dietitian who specializes in EDs. (S)he could help you come up with a meal plan that will help you get to a better place with food that would be easier to adjust to and might not cause you to be as concerned about sudden changes in your weight/appearance. If you want to find a specialist, you could talk to your parents, your primary physician, or you can call or chat online with the NEDA Helpline: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline . Please know that you aren't alone in what you're going through. Many people here on Proud2Bme and in the world around you can relate to what you're dealing with. If you want some proof, check out NEDA's Stories of Hope: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/stories-of-hope .

Here are some other articles I found on Proud2Bme that might be of interest to you:





Good luck, Hiddengirl1234. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. <3

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