relapsed and now I'm worse. help

Hi. It's been a while but I am back. I was better for a little bit but I've relapsed and I'm worse then I was before. I started off with selfing harming more and now I'm restricting more. Tomorrow I feel compelled to eat nothing. I have gained a lot of weight. When I look in the mirror I don't like what I see. I hate my body. I feel the need to throw up but I'm terrified of throw up. I know me and I know that I will make myself throw up. I'm so unhappy but everyone thinks I'm happy. I just want to be skinny and at my goal weight but I have to lose so much weight for that. When my mom makes me eat, I'm going to try a diet plan. I don't want food though. I think food is gross and I hate how it feels in my stomach and when it turns to fat, I hate how it feels on my body. I hate myself. I hate that I let myself eat. I hate that I let myself gain the amount of weight I gained. I'm slowly burning out. I feel like I'm losing the little purpose and happiness I had left and I don't know what to do about it.

kelsey207's picture

You're welcome to post here anytime! We're here for you. It's great that you were able to make some progress! Relapsing is a normal part of the process; recovery has lots of ups and downs. You aren't alone there. If you're made progress and have had successes in recovery in the past; that's proof that you can get there and do it again!

You said that everyone thinks you're happy, but that you aren't. Have you spoken with your parents about how you feel? Or with a doctor? What about another relative or adult you can trust? It can really help to talk with a counselor or therapist about the way you're feeling. I can speak from experience; talking to a professional is a great way to figure out how to feel better and what to do to be happy and healthy. A mental health professional would be there to listen to you and help you; it's great to have a listening ear and have someone be there as a neutral "third party" to help you figure things out.

Some of the things you wrote about losing purpose and happiness are concerning to me. I really hope you'll talk to someone about how you're feeling. Please know that there is hope; recovery is possible. There are reasons to be happy in the world, even if it's just little things like seeing a pretty sunset, hearing a song you like, or getting a hug from someone you care about. It is possible to get through this.

I wanted to share some resources with you that you can use in the future:

Self-Harm Hotline: 800-366-8288 (

NEDA Helpline: 800-931-2237 (

Crisis Text Line: Text "NEDA" to 741741

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (

Please keep us updated on how things are going! We all want the best for you. <3

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