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It's Heather. Like the flower.
So, hey there guys. I honestly have no idea why I got the sudden urge to post here, but I guess I really just need to talk to someone, or let a few things out. I don't understand anything anymore it feels like. A year ago, (or well, close enough) around April or May-ish, I skipped a meal for the first time. It was at school. I was an 8th grader. It felt so amazing, the slight hunger in my stomach. So I did it again. And again. I kept at it for 3 days. Nine meals skipped. I remember the feeling. I was in such awful pain, but that pain, it kept me from focusing on the pain I felt inside of me. (things were really, really, bad then. Maybe I'll elaborate more on it some other time) Then my friend shoved a roll in my mouth at lunch. She made me eat all of it too. Ever since then, I've dealt with eating issues. I've never been full out anorexic/bulimic. I've just had problems with eating, when things get bad. It just depends. When things get bad, I either don't eat at all, or eat too much, then feel bad about it, and feel that I have to skip meals to make up for it. This happens quite often, to be honest. It's awful. And I don't even know what to do. I want to eat, but at the same time, I don't. And I feel so alone. Even with all these bodies around me. It's like NO one understands. Or well, that's how it feels. Hope I can talk to some of you guys soon. Stay strong.

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Comments

Mon, 04/23/2012 - 00:50.
Molly says:
Hi Heather, I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time in gym class the other day. It really sucks to get stuck in a situation where you are confronted with numbers when you are trying so hard to stay away from them. It sounds like you handled the situation well despite the limited control you had over it. You should be proud of yourself :) I am also glad to hear that you recently had a positive experience with your body! It is natural for this to feel strange at first. I encourage you to embrace those moments though. You deserve to love and respect yourself both inside and out!
Sat, 04/21/2012 - 04:44.
Naveseay says:
Thank you, Lauren. I guess it's just been so difficult, lately. I've found myself engaging in disordered eating behaviors at school lately, more out of habit rather than force - and it scares me. My friends have been noticing as well. I'm wondering if this is a good or a bad thing, after all. I know I don't need this to make me happy completely, but at the same time, I feel as if I need it to help the happiness process. I'm just hoping this all goes away. Today however, I stood in front of a mirror while I changed, and I liked the way I looked. I'm not sure if this is my mind tricking me, or if it's just my body acceptance.
Fri, 04/20/2012 - 15:06.
Misslbooker says:
Hi Heather, I am one of the moderators Lauren. You may not have received all your butterflies but you are a butterfly, it is in you to change. You hold the power, I just struggled with disordered eating in my adolescene and I am a strong healthy young woman today. I am fit not thin, I am healthy not starving. Just some words i saw that inspired me this morning. Love Yourself Fiercely and Unconditionally You determine your own value. Nurture yourself, respect yourself, and cultivate self-love. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t second-guess yourself. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t self-sabotage your own success. Don’t make yourself small. Use your voice. Best of luck in recover Love and Light Laur
Mon, 04/16/2012 - 19:09.
Naveseay says:
It's still been hard, and I've yet to have obtained half of my butterflies. It's nothing to be ashamed about, however, it just bothers me sometimes, from how one minute I'm "I want to get better!" and then the next, "I just want to go running back to all my disorder habits". Today, we had to weigh ourselves, and I told myself, "It's okay, you can do this". However, I thought that the teachers were going to weigh us. Instead however, they let us pair up (with partners we got to choose) and made us do it ourselves. I don't know why they suggested this, but whatever the reason, it completely ruined my plans - to not see my weight at all costs. Since they left the rooms before I could get to one of them to explain, I had to suck it up and just do it. My partner - a friend of mine, she doesn't know about the eating disordered habits, however - didn't look at the scale, although she offered to when I just went "Great, I'm disobeying doctor's orders. I'm not supposed to look at my weight on my own." (It's really not doctor's orders. It just sounds better than "Oh, I don't want to look at my weight. I am such a liar. I haven't even discussed weight or anything of the sort with my doctor before. Sigh. Liar, liar, liar.), so I wouldn't have to, but we weren't super super best friends, and I didn't want her seeing my weight, since I KNEW I had gained, due to the simple fact that I have been sneaking onto the scale at my friend's house every week. (I hate this, I hate it so much, I feel so dependent on it.) It didn't bother me as much as it did last time, however, I know that the next time I get down, that number is going to come back and pick at me, and I just, I hate it. We had to write down the number as well, for recording/grade purposes, and I lied. I said I was less than what it showed on the scale, because I felt embarassed that I had gained weight, when the teachers told me I needed to do the office. I can't wait to just get home and write, and get rid of all these emotions. Thanks for listening, guys.
Sun, 04/15/2012 - 19:57.
Molly says:
Again I admire your insight. It is definitely true that parents often want the best for us but just don't understand, particularly when it comes to struggles with disordered eating. Glad to hear your project is going well and that you're making progress :) There will be many hard days ahead, but it will get easier with time.
Mon, 04/09/2012 - 19:22.
Naveseay says:
Thank you, Molly. It isn't a "lack of support", really. I think it's just that they simply don't understand. If the understood how my head worked, and how I felt deep down, they more than likely would be more "supportive". However, my parents are stubborn, and are hard to deal with, so I more than should avoid the subject of food and eating with them, as well as my low self esteem issues. They are both loving parents, and I know they want the best for me, and I understand that they don't believe low self esteem is really the best for me, when it all honesty, it isn't. However, I can't help the way I feel about myself, and that is that. It's been almost a year now (or heck, maybe even a little bit over, I can't exactly recall), that I've been affected my "disordered eating habits", and they've just left me feeling rather unpleasant. I'm tired of that feeling, to be quite honest. I wanted to do something about it. This whole deal, it just leaves me tired and upset most of the time, and I just want to be happy, not sad anymore. I don't want something like this, such as low self esteem and problems with eating, to bring me down, when I can fix it with a little hard work and support from others. Thank you, the project has been going well, even if I've made a few mistakes already, but that's okay, remember? :) And will do. I'm glad I'm here with you guys. I'm hoping the site grows rapidly as well, so I can meet more of y'all! Stay strong guys.
Sun, 04/08/2012 - 20:21.
Molly says:
Wow, Heather. I really admire that you've taken it upon yourself to work on this despite the lack of support from your family. It can so difficult when people don't understand and brush it off as if it is not a problem. I am glad you realize that it will be challenging and recovery won't be a straight line. It seems like you have a good strategy for holding yourself accountable but you also understand that you are human and this is an incredibly difficult process. Keep up the great work and remember that we are here to support you!
Mon, 04/02/2012 - 15:08.
Naveseay says:
I'm glad there are people that can relate to me, Molly, including you. It will only make this journey of mine a little bit easier. So thank you. I feel that getting better is a very good idea, since I'm tired of hating myself, and hating my body. Although, the idea of getting help professionally is a large problem, in a way. You see, my parents, they don't understand the concept - or why I hate myself/my body and have low self esteem. Before, when we've had large fights, I tried explaining that inside my head, I compare myself to everyone and everything, and they just told me to well, stop. When I tried to explain that I just can't stop, that this has been going on for several years, it's like they think I'm making it up. They don't understand that it isn't as easy as they are trying to make it. In their minds, it's not a problem at all, it's basically just called being an insecure teenager. Also, whenever the topic comes up, they automatically blame my friends, and threaten to send me to another school, when really, taking me away from my friends would only harm me, because they are always there for me and will always be there to support me. Also, switching schools really wouldn't solve anything. Still girls and other people for me to compare myself to. So, I give myself "mini projects". Currently, I have purchased some butterfly stickers (there are 16), since I love butterflies, and they are my symbol of "hope" and "to get better". So, from today on, every day that I don't struggle to eat, or skip a meal, or have any "disordered eating habits", I will put a butterfly sticker in my diary, and discuss how the day went in my diary. The days don't have to be consecutive, since it's very easy to make mistakes so early on in this "semi recovery" stage, just I'm going to strive to have as many consecutive "butterfly days" as possible. As long as I can get 16 down, I will have succeed my project, and hopefully this will help me a step further into realizing that I don't need these habits to make myself happy, or anything like that. Some days are harder than others, and I understand that I'm human, and that I will make mistakes, so it's OKAY if I don't get 16 days in a row. As long as I can get all 16, I'll be happy.
Mon, 04/02/2012 - 01:06.
Molly says:
Hi Heather, Thanks for your post and welcome to Proud2bme! I'm glad you have reached out for support here. I wanted to let you know that I can relate to you a lot. I struggled with disordered eating for a long time but never fit into a specific category/diagnosis. I felt like I didn't deserve help and shouldn't ask for it. Finally a friend encouraged me to seek treatment. For me, getting treatment early on made all the difference. Regardless of how "serious" you feel your struggles are, you deserve to ask for and receive help and support. Any disordered eating patterns or behaviors are a legitimate cause for concern. Thanks again for reaching out! I hope you can find comfort and support here. If you ever need help locating treatment resources, call the National Eating Disorder Helpline at 1-800-931-2237. Stay strong! -Molly
Sat, 03/31/2012 - 03:59.
Naveseay says:
Yes, I have. My friends know more about it than my family, since my family only understands to a point. I'm more comfortable discussing it with my friends, anyway, since my family takes things out of proportion a lot. Lately however, I don't feel comfortable talking about it with friends sometimes. Because now it's like my friends think differently about it, or well, one or two of them. I know my friends all want me to get help, but I just feel like I don't need it. Actually, no, let me rephrase that, it's more along the lines of I think I can deal with this myself. I've just been struggling here and there. Plus, I doubt my family could afford it, we're struggling as it is. However, at the same time, I think it'd help me out. At the moment though, I'm a girl who thinks she weighs far too much. I'd feel so ashamed to even mention it here. I've gone meals without eating anything, and then I crash and burn. It isn't very fun. This whole problem really makes me unhappy, all the time, and I've just taken to sleeping away all the negative feelings in my life. I used to video game, because it was a "distraction" of sorts, and my friends on there would keep me from falling back into the parts of my head that whispered to me day and night to just skip another meal. However, with more advanced classes this year, a new relationship (which I am so thankful for, he treats me so well, and has helped me extremely with my low self esteem. Nothing completely noticeable to others, but to me, it is), and friendships/socializing, I've had no time to do that, thus I have fell back into the hands of the disordered thinking and eating patterns. Because before I was video gaming, I was using the disordered patterns to cope with all my problems. So.