Hey, Teen Me! I’m Grateful for You. Teen Week 2012

By Melanie Klein

Dear Sweet 16,
It’s me, the 39-year-old you with a little advice, lots of love, and tons of gratitude.

I don’t want to take up too much of your time, but I’m writing to let you know that I’m thinking about you. In fact, I think of you often and you need to know it. I think you’re a remarkable, crafty and capable young woman and I’m grateful to you for giving me this life; a beautiful son, a deep love and appreciation of art and nature, a rewarding career, and some kick-ass friends. Yeah, really. That’s what’s going on now and you’re the one to thank. You don’t give yourself enough credit, grrl. You’re fierce.

I wish I could remind you of these admirable traits more often, especially in those nagging moments of doubt and uncertainty that seem to be becoming more frequent. I’d love to regularly celebrate your accomplishments and triumphs with you. So I’m here now, offering you support and words of encouragement because I know you need it. I know you feel inadequate far too often. You think you’re not cool enough, pretty enough or smart enough. I know that you feel alone, especially since your greatest champion, Opa, passed away earlier this year. I know it sucks that you lost him so early. But be glad you had such a rich relationship with your grandfather while you did. His gifts to you last a lifetime. His memory never leaves you.

It’s Not You
But the guy you’re with now, the guy you’ve been dating for almost two years is another story. He’s a problem. He’s a huge reason your self-esteem has tanked. May I remind you of your joyful spirit? Your sense of wonder? He’s made you feel inadequate and you’ve lost yourself along the way.

I know you blame yourself for his abusive behavior. Too often he makes you feel crazy and erratic- he causes you to question your worth. You think you’re the reason he changed. You keep waiting for him to come around- to treat you the way he did when you met. He was so kind, attentive and loving. Maybe he’d change if you changed—if you were better.

I know it may be hard to believe now, but it’s not your fault and there’s nothing about you that needs to be fixed (and you certainly shouldn’t be wasting your time trying to fix him). You’re smart, you’re talented and capable. Really, it’s not you. Besides, I’ve seen him recently and, honey, it ain’t pretty. If you keep waiting on him to change, you’ll be waiting forever and your life will pass you by. He’s well over 40 now and not much different than you know him now.

And why do you have a boyfriend anyway? You’re much too young for a serious (and seriously dysfunctional) relationship. I know it seems like anyone who is anyone is dating, but don’t cave into the pressure. There’s plenty of time for dating. Your relationship status isn’t a sign of your worth. Yeah, I know- he’s hot, he surfs, he plays guitar. Well, even those charms fade, believe me. You’ll meet other guys, better ones. Don’t let him treat you badly. It isn’t you.

You’re resourceful. You’re a survivor. It’s because of you that I’ve been able to accomplish all that I have. In fact, whenever you run into old friends, the friends you’re hanging out with now, they’re amazed, absolutely amazed, at how you turned out. You truly defied the odds and I am eternally grateful for your fierce commitment to improve your life.

Don’t Waste Time
You deserve better. No high school sophomore should have a bruise on her face in her yearbook picture. Once you come to recognize, believe in, and appreciate your own worth, you’ll lose interest him and demand better. I promise. Don’t waste your time seeking external validation from anyone, especially him. When you do that, you’re vulnerable and at the mercy of his fickle moods and desires. He is not the most important relationship in your life. He does not determine your value.

Love Yourself Fiercely and Unconditionally
You determine your own value. Nurture yourself, respect yourself, and cultivate self-love.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Don’t second-guess yourself.

Don’t judge yourself.

Don’t self-sabotage your own success.

Don’t make yourself small.

Use your voice.

Focus on your art, your poetry and what’s in the truth of your heart. You’re not going to do everything perfectly, nor should you expect to. You do end up making mistakes both small and large (along with some epic ones). It’s OK. It all works out. Don’t beat yourself up. Make amends and move on. Yes, people get hurt along the way, including you. It’s all part of the process. Learn your lessons and don’t repeat your mistakes (not too many times anyway).

Be open to the nice guys. You know, the ones that like you the way you are. The guys who treat you well, laugh at your jokes, share in conversations and don’t tell you that nobody else will ever love you. Nice guys aren’t boring--I swear, and they’re not full of it. When you believe you’re valuable, you’ll believe others. Like I said, work on that self-love thing before you dive into anything with anyone else. In fact, ditch the boyfriend you’re with now. Don’t wait another six years. Trust me on this one.

One day, you’ll thank me in the same way I thank you for all you’ve given me. I’m proud of you and I love you completely.

This post is part of Teen Week 2012: Words that Heal.

About this blogger: Melanie Klein is an Associate Faculty member at Santa Monica College, teaching Sociology and Women’s Studies. She attributes feminism and yoga as the two primary influences in her work. She is committed to communal collaboration, raising consciousness, media literacy, facilitating the healing of distorted body images and promoting healthy body relationships. She has worked with the new citizen journalists of the LA Academy of Global Girl Media and the peer-educators of J.A.D.E (Joint Advocates on Disordered Eating) on ways to tap into the power of their own voice. She is the adviser of the Santa Monica College Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance and founder and co-coordinator of WAM! LA.Her work may also be found at Feminist Fatale, Adios Barbie, Elephant Journal, Ms. Magazine's blog and WIMN's Voices. She is featured in the forthcoming book, Conversations with Modern Yogis and the documentary, The American Housewife.

Comments

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Wed, 05/22/2013 - 05:18.

Zury C. says:

I think this is awesome. Melanie, you're living proof that we can overcome some of the worst situations in our lives and still accomplish so much after. This is really inspiring and moving. It made me think about my life in high school and middle school as well and the choices I made then and how a lot of them were really no good for me. Although it hasn't been too long since I lived my life that way, I feel like I've come a long way and still have even more to go but I truly believe that in the end, things will be better. I've also struggled (and continue to struggle) with determining my self- worth and basing it off of what others think of me as well as doubting myself and second guessing myself. I think this goes to show how so many of us have these struggles and that it is all connected to the way we are being socialized to be doubtful of ourselves and unhappy with who we are. Thank you for sharing this. I'm sure it made many of us realize that things can be better after the storm.

Sat, 05/18/2013 - 03:34.

JacklynnM says:

Writing a letter to one's teen self seems like a great idea in moving on from the past, yet still allowing to reflect and send words of encouragement to a former, less self-actualized part of oneself. Many of these phrases are said to most of us at these younger ages, however, they seem to go in one ear and out the other. We cannot seem to imagine that these wonderful positive sentences are true about ourselves. Learning how to self-love can be such a difficult aspect to accomplish, especially if one has a direct negative influence in one's life, such as a relationship. Nobody deserves to be treated badly by anybody else, especially somebody who has led one to believe they are trustworthy and loving. Being able to find peace within and learning how to love oneself is probably the most important thing one can learn how to do, and it is such a shame that it can, and usually, takes a long amount of time to be able to do this.

Wed, 05/15/2013 - 18:02.

Rita C says:

I really love this idea. To talk to your self when you were younger and just to tell yourself that everything is going to be okay, your beautiful, your smart, your worth the world. Sometimes I wish I had this letter by me right now as I go through different stages of my life. I just want the older me say say DONT WORRY. I guess its almost the same, I wrote a time capsule with my friends, letters to each other, that we will open 5 years from now. I wonder how my world will end up. Its important to know that no matter what happens you are loved and worthy of happiness and successful. My letter to myself would tell me that.

Tue, 04/30/2013 - 01:48.

JasmineGh says:

It is such a misfortunate fact about being in high school where adolescence drives young girls to stay in abusive relationships. Young girls feel that by getting a boyfriend at such a young age, they can depend on the male for companionship when they can not find it in their family or friends. These girl want to have a boyfriend no matter what the mental and physical price to create the illusion they are loved. Young girls should be empowered and know that no abuse should ever be tolerated. As a society, we must spread this message to help those with abuse relationship.

Sat, 04/27/2013 - 21:08.

Maria A says:

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself everything will turn out good. Tell myself I am worth it and that I am a good person. I should be myself and be happy for who I am. I loved reading this letter you wrote for yourself. When you are a teen you feel pressure to fit in, but as you get older you start to not care about what others think of you. I just turned twenty, finally done with my teen years, but I sometimes still feel the way I felt when I was a teen, I just need to appreciate myself a bit more.

Tue, 02/05/2013 - 07:34.

Jewelbourne says:

I sit here crying after reading this article. Professor Klein, Thank you for sharing that. I know that is your personal story but I felt as if that letter was written by me, now to my teen self. It was so honest and pure and wise. I connected with it and part of the reason I believe that I had such a strong emotion to it is because that type of reflection is not done or shared enough in mainstream outlets. The article speaks about the level of interconnection; most people have without ever realizing it. It is interesting to discover how many people share similar narratives that might polar opposites in any other regard. I’m grateful that you shared that. It gives me hope and strength and encourages me to move past the feelings that I have held on to for way too long. It has inspired me to write my own.

Thu, 12/06/2012 - 16:21.

OliviaW says:

This is really touching; it made me cry. I often think about the things I would tell my younger self and it makes me feel better to read that what I would say is similar to what you've said. I often feel that I am the only one that beats herself up for not being good enough. Its really sad to think about my 16 year old self and remember how harsh I was with her and how I always told her that she was not good enough. I too thought I wasn't good enough and constantly was giving my self pressure to be more, and to grow up.

Tue, 12/04/2012 - 07:01.

WendyA says:

I found this article amazing. I can really relate to it right now. At this point in my life I believe I’m going through something similar as you went through. I’m facing a difficult challenge on what to do with my life especially in the relationship I am in. I loved the letter because I hope this is me one day. I feel like I have forgotten what’s good about me. My self-esteem has become so low that I wish I had a future me to tell me everything is going to be alright. I think I’m hitting that point in my life where I’m realizing I deserve something better I don’t want to spend my whole life feeling the way I feel right now. Your class has opened a door to me that has brought insight on what is wrong with my life and what I want for myself. I need to better myself and focus on self-love. I need to rebuild myself so one day I can look back and be thankful for myself as well. This was a very touching letter I loved it.

Tue, 11/27/2012 - 19:40.

MichelleG says:

I feel as if I can very much relate to this letter. Though I was not personally in an abusive relationship, one of my good friends was in an emotionally abusive relationship throughout her junior and senior year of high school. Although it was not apparent to her at the time, I remember witnessing her relationship and thinking that something was not right. I never had a boyfriend in High School, and of course I desperately wanted one, and of course, at this point I'm eternally grateful that I was so awkward around boys. However, I do feel as if I could have used the pointers and encouragements in this letter. I had very low self esteem due to bullying that had been ongoing until I entered high school. It took me 4+ years to build it back up again. If I could tell my high school self a few things, it would be words of encouragement and that everything is going to be OK--you'll reach that point of contentment with yourself, even though I'm still working on it now, I know it would be nice to hear.

Mon, 11/26/2012 - 02:59.

Jasminef says:

That was beautiful. If I could give my teen-self advice, it would sound very similar. I remember being head over heels in love in the 9th grade with an abusive bi-polar lanky little boy whom I really believed I was going to marry. I remember feeling like killing myself because I was so worthless after we had broken up. I remember how much I cried and burdened myself with hate and resentment. I remember my insecurities. Looking back on it you WISH you didn't waste so much time and youth on worrying about such petty things. But what we see as petty now, was our entire world then. Ultimately that's what teens lack: perspective. My English Teacher Ms. Ramzi, I'll never forget her, taught me what perspective was and it literally transformed my life. Perspective was my key, and still is my key, to survival. I've grown a lot, but I still see insecurities within me while I look for validation with others, within men, within the guys I date, or within the guys that have no interest in me. This is because I haven't fully committed to loving myself and giving myself unconditional love, yet. It's hard when you're taught your entire life that you are imperfect. I will get there one day. I will continue to strive towards accepting myself fully and giving myself the love I deserve. Those barriers that are stopping me will eventually be broken down with practice and persistence.

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