Starting to really struggle

It's been almost a month since I stopped my eating disorder, and it really is harder than i thought. I thought that maybe when I stopped things would get better with my parents, but I think it got worse or stayed the same.The hurtful words and threats are still there, and There is still no support at all. My parents don't even know how hard this is, how much it hurts to deal with this major problem everyday. They are always thinking for me, speaking for me, they call me stupid, they say im messed up, and I'm really starting to believe it. I feel like a failure, like i dont belong in this family. Iv'e always felt this way, ever since I was younger, but now I just feel anxious to get away from this place. I know it sounds cruel, but I really don't want any part in their lives, I just cant deal with their insults and the abusive threats. I don't know what to do, I have nobody to talk to about this, and it really hurts having to go through all this alone. I don't want to burden my friends with all my problems so I can't even say whats on my mind to them. Every time I try to find the courage to talk about it with someone, all that comes to mind is when I could hear my parents yelling at me for being diagnosed with depression. WHAT TYPE of people would yell at someone for being DEPRESSED??? I never planned to become depressed, just all the personal issues and stress put on me made me feel drained. I feel so helpless and just dead. I feel like im just going through lifes motions everyday, but inside It is so hard to just keep going. Im not suicidal or anything like that, but I really don't know where I should go from here. My parents have told me that I should "never tell anyone else about the problems at home, that it should stay just between the family" So on top of everything, I feel so guilty that I am even telling people this. Im not looking for sympathy, or for anybody to pity me and feel sorry for me, but im looking for advice or any support. I really need any support right now, If there is anybody out there who had gone or is going through something like this, please contact me. I will take any advice I can get. i know i have posted before this, and i said that everybody is beautiful and that nobody should hurt themselves in order to lose weight or to make themselves "perfect". I still think that, and that everybody is beautiful inside and out. Please don't think im a hypocrite and that im now contradicting everything I have said.
cmaddie's picture

Hi Drea, You should never feel like you're a hypocrite because you're having a tough time. Recovery is not a straight line. Sometimes there are big steps forward and sometimes there are steps back. And unfortunately there can be hurdles too--like family members not supporting you or making you feel guilty for reaching out for help, which is what you SHOULD be doing. This is so hard, but I hope you will stay focused on getting healthy despite all this negativity you're facing. Of course we're all here to support you, but is there another adult in your life you could turn to? A counselor or teacher at school? Another relative who could hl? If you're feeling low, please remember that you can always call the NEDA helpline at 800-931-2237 to talk to someone confidentially. I'm thinking of you and sending strength. I'm sure other members will chime in with their advice too! You're a smart, amazing person. You deserve health and happiness!
TokioHotelGirl's picture

Hey Drea, I know the way you are feeling. I have Major depressive disorder, anxiety, and ADHD. My mom would yell at me day in and day out just because i stopped doing things i once enjoyed, for just laying around feeling sad most of the time. like you said, you never planned on it, and this depression your feeling, Your not alone! i know first hand how it feels. My dad is in my life but i think if he was to leave me today, it wouldnt make much of a difference in my life. My mom is where most of my stress comes from. I havent been diagnosed with an eating disorder but my veiws on eating and my actions towards food are not what others consider normal, and it has been going on for 6 or 7 years and my mom knows nothing about it. so i know how it feels to hurt and no one see how your hurting. your right everyone is beautiful in their own way, inside and out. No one should hurt themselves either. I did and still do however. Its not a nice feeling, this depression, this disorder, this anger at yourself. its never a nice feeling but we are all here for you. this is a place where you can be yourself and you can write what you feel in your heart and no one will judge you because we love everyone that comes on this site because each and every one of us are special and needed and wanted in this world. recovery is very tough, i have fallen off of recovery more times than i can count on my hands and toes. right now im trying to go back to recovery but im afriad that im one of thoes people that need the real professional help. Eating disorders and mental health issues sometimes require hospitialization and i have been hospitalized for depression and honestly it was one of the best choices i have made ever in my whole life. I got the help i needed, however when i was in there and they asked me if i had an eating disorder i lied and said no because i was scared for my family to find out. i ate normally for the week i was there and i thought i finally was recovered but i fell back into it. please tell someone you trust like a friend or a teacher. i told my modeling teacher about my eating disorder and she cared but me and her have lost touch and i feel like i have no one. but here, now i finally feel i am talking to people who understand and can help me,help us :) believe that you will get better,grit your teeth and withstand the hardships that come with recovery (with the people on this site's help) and you will get better. hope this helped you and made you feel better :)
misslbooker's picture

Hi i'm Lauren one of the moderators, first i want to thank you ladies for your candid comments, it takes courage to express yourself in any forum. @Tokiohotel girl , I think that often most ppl do not know how to handle emotional problems and mental illness (depression, anxiety...etc) within themselves let alone others. So it may seem completely illogical to yell at a depressed person but often people who love you feel powerless and watching you suffer makes them angry, b/c they can't understand it. People can drain you, my one clinical psychology professor would say. So don't let them! I think your eating disorder was coping mechanism and commene you for ceasing and realizing hey, i love me to much to hurt me. And we need a third party whose neutral sometimes, never feel ashamed to say I need help. That's why we are not alone in the world.
marty789's picture

Hi! I know how it feels to to be emotional but it doesn't mean you are a perfect one. Sometimes we need to see our self perfectly before we can judge any one. - YORHealth
shana61's picture

Sometimes its so hard to see past all the pain. I know so many people will tell you about the light at the end of the tunnel. But im not going to do that because sometimes it does not get better it just gets different, and that is not a negative thing. After five years in recovery i can safely say that it was all worth it all the pain it took to get better. I was an elite gymnast on the national team and had to quit. it tore my life in half. But things changed, i got different priorities and built different dreams. do I wish i could have continues 100% but its ok to change.

As for the family, I totally get it. Im a foster child and my adoptive family did not support me at all and so i had to do this fight alone. It sucks to have so many people around who dont know how to support a recovery. What reall helped me was to tell them what I needed from them. Advocate for yourself!

MMikki88's picture

Hi! I know how it means to be emotional and have a family like that.

My parents sometimes hate it when I cry or get into trouble and so on, but they also get mad when

I get bad grades or stuff like that and call me names.


Do you have a best friend? Maybe you could vent out to her or him. If you have,  you could ask a group of GOOD FRIENDS of what to do!


Sorry if I'm not helpful, I'm kind of new.


brittanyposey's picture

The thing about emotions is that they are a natural part of existence. Personally, I find boundary-setting to be especially helpful when processing through emotions, so that I can find some balance in my emotional well-being, without being manipulated by shame, admonishment, etc. by other people who are involved in the process. Don't compromise your mental and emotional health to assuage those who try to impose negative ideas on the emotional process (we're all human!). Be good to you!

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