Hi - I'm Smoothee. I've been bulimic for 10 years. Here's my rant.

Proud to be me. If only it were that easy. I'm thankful for this website, though, and I think it's great :) An outlet for people with eating disorders to not only connect but attempt to better themselves.

I'm 22 years old and still haven't been able to embrace the "love yourself" motto. I started down the bulimia path once I reached middle school. It hasn't stopped. I remember watching my older sister draw a poster for her psychology class about bulimia. It was a girl hunched over a toilet. What was this girl doing (in the drawing)? Why was she doing that? Why would somebody throw up on purpose?

To my 6 year old me:
She wants to be beautiful.

I was never fat or overweight growing up. As a matter of act, I toggled between underweight and average. However, I always thought I was slightly overweight. If I could lose those last few pounds, I would be perfect.
My parents are from Vietnam - a country whose population is largely underweight. At average weight, I felt like a giant walking next to any of my relatives who weighed quite a bit less. This was my familys' idea of skinny.

When I first began purging, the results were immediate. Friends called me the Asian Kate Bosworth because of my skinny arms. Once I hit high school, I joined the tennis team. Coupled with purging, I lost even more weight. The lowest my scale ever read was underweight. I was so proud - but still not thin enough. I still have that weight tagged on the scale.
I wasn't stupid about it (haha). On days where I had a tennis match I would eat a decent meal. My diet consisted largely of Sprite, Monster, Red Bull, donuts, chips, and occasionally a home cooked meal.
My sister and I shared a bathroom. She knew whenever I purged. She tattled. My dad's response, "Stop throwing up. It's not like you'll be a model one day." That was the end of it. From then on, I got better at hiding it.

In high school, guys found me attractive. If it wasn't for my looks, at least I had a good personality. It wasn't good enough for me. I wanted more people to find me attractive. I wanted to look like the Caucasian girls who seemingly didn't lift a finger and looked breathtaking.
Junior year, I started drinking. The pounds went up Up UP! By senior year I was slightly heavier, but I didn't mind too much. Alcohol was now my liquid courage and I often drank so much I threw up anyway. Soon, my grades tunneled and I was dropped from the tennis team. Although my academics and physical fitness took a plummet, my social life was booming. By senior year, I was in a steady relationship.

Our relationship was/is great. But like most relationships, our quality time mainly consisted of eating out, laying in bed together, and being bums.
Fast-forward 5 years later - we're still together... and I've gained even more weight. What I once thought was overweight is now my skinny. I've lost control of eating... not that I ever had any control. I have a job, I have a car, I have money... This means eating out WHENEVER I crave something. Often times, I work, binge, purge, sleep, wake up, eat, drink, throw up, sleep. This is my routine. I'm gaining weight and I know exactly why.

Recently, I've had an epiphany. I'm not unhappy. I have a man who loves me, I have a job, I have a car, I have all of my limbs, a working heart. Why am I purging? I'm not unattractive. I have a nice rack now that I've gained the weight (lol). Why isn't all of this good enough for me? I don't have a reason. If I had realized this sooner, would this disorder have grown as much as it has? It now has roots. It's embedded in me.

I don't have a reason.
Do you?

brittanyposey's picture

Smoothee, thank you for sharing this with us. My heart breaks for you; I have been where you are, and I know how heavy and dark it feels. Here's the thing, happiness isn't necessarily synonymous with health. When you have a mind crippling illness like Bulimia, it is necessary to bring in the professionals. You don't have to have the answers, and you don't have to criticize yourself for not being able to recover without solid resources. The most important thing here is that you do recognize the presence of an eating disorder, the monotony and unrelenting nature of the self-destructive cycle, and you can't seem to dig yourself out of the symptoms and the pain associated with the illness. There is nothing, absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  Despite any perceived or experienced successes (ex. job, income, relationships, etc.), I would highly encourage you to seek out some resources to help you navigate recovery. Here is a good starting place: 




If you have health insurance, it would be beneficial for you to check on your mental health benefits. It might be of little or no cost (depending on your coverage) for you to see a counselor and/or dietician as well. Again, thank you for sharing your story with us, Smoothee. Welcome to the Proud2BMe family!

Sottus's picture

Thanks for the advice Brittanyposey. I understand happiness isn't synonymous with health. I'm a bit resigned to find professional help. In your experience, is there no way to break the cycle on my own?

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