Uncomfortable in my Body

Hello there,

I have never really been on a forum before, so I'm not sure how this works. I assume I introduce myself and state my issues and hopefully someone with a similar experience will be able to give me advice on the matter.

I am a gay man, and I struggle immensely with my body image. I know I'm not a terribly attractive guy considering I have no muscle and I'm balding in my early 20's and I still have as bad if not worse acne than when I was a teenager. I have also gained some weight in four years that started about halfway through college. There are aspects about my face completely out of my control (enormous forehead and no jawline and a lopsided face). I could conceal by jawline with facial hair, but I don't grow any. I just kind of look like a pubescent teenager face-wise with a dad body thrown in the mix.

As far as my mental health goes, I am extremely depressed, anxious, I have dermatillomania due to acne, and have binge eating disorder (I eat significantly more than I should and have little to no self control about it). I have dieted, but every diet I have done results in tufts of hair loss and greying skin, which means that I now try to go to the gym. The issue is that I am horrendously anxious about it - I dread going to it for the usual reason that it's not something I necessarily like doing - but I also struggle with going knowing that I am the ugliest person there. I am unable to go without leaving miserably depressed since all I can do is spend the whole time knowing full well that I am completely out of my social zone. Sometimes it's better for me to just stay home so that I can avoid being anxious and then later inevitably depressed about the experience.

In addition to only being depressed after leaving the gym, I've been going for months and have done nothing but gain weight. I continue to look pudgier and pudgier. I am unable to even fit in the workout clothes I bought initially to get the workout ball rolling. I'm starting to feel as if there isn't a point - like I'm going to gain more weight in fat regardless. I'm discouraged and honestly feel as if I have done nothing but get my own hopes up that I can change how I look and be confident enough to leave my apartment. I'm also unable to even befriend other men I find to be even mildly attractive because all I can do as I hang around them is continue to hate myself more and more. Hell, I can't even go on social media any more without closing my laptop because of the selfies guys take that make me feel inferior or worthlessly ugly.

And if that wasn't enough, I am also on antidepressants, which have helped reduce the time spent on my lows, but I'm still reaching those lows - sometimes even worse than before. I have been unable to really think of anything that would make me happy other than going to sleep. As a result, I have started taking a supplement so that I don't have to be awake when I get home from work, or a substance so that I don't have to remember being awake.

I apologize for this post since it's a lot to unpack, but I've reached a point in which I'm needing to turn to a forum so that maybe - just maybe - someone will have an answer or lead me in the right direction.


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