i do not choose you

I will be strong. I refuse to give in to you and your lies and deceits. I’m losing myself in your maze, and you knew this would happen. You know I’d come crawling back, into your silly smile, your black river eyes. You knew that you were my drug, that once I took one whiff, I would be back for more. You did know right, but you’re not right anymore. You promised me that “everything would be better if I listened to you”. I was naïve, and I listened, but now I’m done. I am stronger than you are. I don’t need you to guide me through every step of my life, because you’re not helping me… your killing me – stabbing a stake into my chest thousands of times over and over again. You’re taking a plastic bag, wrapping it around my head, and suffocating me. With you, I can’t breathe. You are tying me down to your empty seat, and making spill everything inside me. And you call your self happiness? Starving myself to the bone, just so what? I can be beautiful? This is most certainly not beauty, this is hell itself. You are nowhere near happiness. And I do not choose you. You may have chosen me, but I reject and I refuse to be just another one of your cohorts. Because I’m me, and I’m stronger than those weaklings who fall for your charm. I am the strong pressed willow in the forest, and your light wind won’t knock me down. I am my own person, my own being, my own soul. You do not own me, you cannot posses me anymore. You cannot take my body; rip my life away from me. I won’t let you. I won’t let you come near me anymore. I made that mistake once, but this time I’m coming back fresh and renewed; that’s right, it’s a whole new me. So go, be gone. Take your stupid little insecurities with you. Because you feed on lost souls, on poor beggars, insecure hearts. You feed off of hurt, pain, pressure. You slowly suck away any chance of a normal life – and you create a life of suffering and pain. And I can’t deal with that, I won’t stand for it. I won’t let you control me, my thoughts, and my body. I don’t need you to run my life, because you know what? I can do it myself, despite what they say. My parents, my teachers, against their beliefs, I know what I am capable of. This is not just a disorder, this is a lifestyle that I will not live by. I am not the average girl that needs to be sat down and taught a lesson of your dangers, because I’m fully aware. I made a choice, but that choice was wrong. I know I can fight against you. And I am determined to win this battle, and with this willpower you will never, ever, win.
cmaddie's picture

This is really powerful. "You feed off of hurt, pain, pressure." So true. I've heard the "willpower" used to describe people with eating disorders--like they have the willpower to starve themselves. That's such a dangerous description. So I like that you've turned it around--your willpower is to fight the eating disorder, to get better. This anger is good. The eating disorder chose you, but you're making the choice to recover. I hope you're keeping up the fight!
harthart's picture

This is so informative article! I am very proud to say that you did a great job! Cheers! - YORHealth
LiveBeautifully.'s picture

This was amazing. Thanks for sharing!

Recent comments

About Us

Proud2Bme is an online community created by and for teens. We cover everything from fashion and beauty to news, culture, and entertainment—all with the goal of promoting positive body image and encouraging healthy attitudes about food and weight.

This site was developed in partnership with Riverduinen and made possible by generous contributions from JPMorgan Chase, Globant, the University of Delaware, and The Hilda & Preston Davis Foundation.

Proud2Bme was first launched in the Netherlands by Riverduinen, a mental health organization that has licensed the concept to the National Eating Disorders Association. Unless otherwise noted, all original content on this site is copyright The National Eating Disorders Association. The Proud2Bme brand, logos, and trademarks are property of Rivierduinen.