Hate what I see

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Hate what I see

Hi. I'm back. I hate my body. I work out a lot again and I want to weigh less and I want to be skinny and I want people to stop telling me I'm wrong all the time and I want people to like me and I want people to stop being fake friends and I just want to be skinny and beautiful and perfect and fit but I'm not. I feel fat and far from perfect. I will never be skinny and I feel like I will never be loved by anyone. I feel like I will be the only one that loves myself but for that to happen I feel that I need to be happy when I look in the mirror. I want others to envy my body. I WANT TO BE SKINNY. it's killing me so much. I can't take it anymore. I want to purge but I can't and I just don't to eat but when I see food I inhale it and I feel like I can't control myself. I need to be thin. I need to be perfect. I need to be skinny. I keep relapsing and everytime I do it gets worse.

Hi hiddengirl1234,

Welcome back to the forums! It's nice to hear from you, but I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so down on yourself. It sounds like you're in a really negative place--that must be hard to manage. I'm worried by some of the things you wrote. Please know that if you need someone to talk to, there are resources available to you. You can call or chat online with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: suicidepreventionlifeline.org (1-800-273-8255). You can text "NEDA" to 741741 to connect to the Crisis Text Line. You can call or chat online with the NEDA Helpline: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline (1-800-931-2237). I really hope you'll also reach out to an adult in your life (parent, relative, teacher, counselor). You don't have to go this alone. While many people feel unhappy about their bodies (I think people here on Proud2Bme can relate to feeling that way), you don't have to feel so low. You deserve to be happy and healthy and comfortable with who you are. Your drive to be skinny and perfect is very risky and has the potential to do you much more harm than good if you keep heading down this road. Many people with EDs say that it's not about being "thin", it's about being "thinner"--as in, the ED voice in your head will never be satisfied. Even now you have a goal weight, but I think even if you reach that weight, it won't be enough for the ED voice. I'm not an expert, but I say this based on what I've heard from others who have been in a situation similar to yours. You've posted on here many times over the past several months. We're here to support you, but also I strongly encourage you to reach out and seek help from people you know in-person, too. It might be hard, or even seem impossible, but I think once you ask for some help with some of these stressful thoughts and behaviors, you might feel relieved to have someone to share the burden with. Wishing you the best! Please keep us updated on how you're doing. <3

I hope this helps :)

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I can relate to those feelings and thoughts. I am in treatment now and it has helped a lot. I am not an expert by any means and I know this will probably all sound stupid and unhelpful or impossible, but I used to think that too and now Im writing it as advice. This is what has worked for me: focus on things you do like, such as talents or hobbies. reach out for support because you can't and don't have to do this alone even though you may feel alone. changing your body and weight will not change how you feel about yourself because eating disorders are usually not about the food, there is usually some underlying cause. also, skinny is not the best thing a person can be. being a good person, smart, successful, caring, confident, creative etc are much more important and valuable than being skinny. also, as far as restricting, bingeing, purging, feeling out of control i have learned that it is a cycle. depriving yourself can cause bineging and then bingeing can lead to guilt and purging or restricting etc. Staying on a healthy, stable, consistent eating plan makes it much easier to control that cycle. and try to figure out if when you are eating, you are hungry or want food for other reasons. I hope this helped. Sorry it was long. Recovery doesn't happen over night and it definitely goes up and down. I hope you will reach out to someone and that you feel better :) <3

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